Spaceballs
by Georgshadow
Summary: Galactica 1980 SATIRE fic. Troy and Dillon ask Jamie to teach them about a few particular Earth practices.


A/N: a Galactica 1980 satire fic written as a joke for a friend on tumblr. non-explicit Troy/Jamie and Troy/Dillon, general weirdness. Enjoy. Sorry about posting this with the regular BSG fics, I just didn't feel like waiting for months for the site admin to create a new category for it.

* * *

"Miss Hamilton, you have a visitor."

Jamie continued to fumble through the notes and papers scattered all over her tiny desk, not even stopping to look up at the receptionist. "I'm _really_ busy, Mary," she muttered. The deadline for her article about the incident at the Stanford plant was getting too close for comfort, and she didn't have time to deal with yet another disgruntled townsperson coming in and questioning her about the "flying saucer."

"They said it's extremely important," the receptionist insisted.

"They?" Jamie asked, finally giving up on the notes.

"Yes, two men," the receptionist answered. "A couple of real odd-balls."

She knew who it was immediately and she could feel her heart begin to race. "Oh, no" she whispered, knowing that if it was Troy and Dillon, it could mean serious trouble.

"Should I send them away, Miss Hamilton?"

"No, let them in," Jamie ordered, praying that nothing had gone wrong with the Galactica or the children on it.

Her concern was softened a bit when Troy and Dillon entered her cramped, crowded office wearing warm smiles.

"It's good to see you again, Jamie," Troy began, meeting her eyes with a knowing look. Although it had been short, she'd relished the time they'd spent together on their own, and she recognized the expression he was wearing now as the same one he'd worn that night they'd been alone.

"I hope we aren't visiting at a bad time," Dillon continued, "but we need your help with a very important matter."

"What? Is everything okay?" she spat out, trying to prepare herself for the worst.

"Yes, everything is fine, Jamie," Dillon said. "We're interested in learning more about the way certain things work here on Earth."

"Certain… things?"She glanced from Dillon back to Troy, and the more she pondered that look on his face, the more puzzled she became.

"I would first like to thank you again for the night that we spent together," Troy said. "I demonstrated to Dillon the act that you taught me and we've been practicing it on each other very often."

"We've become very skilled at it," Dillon added. "It is most enjoyable."

"Wait a minute…" Jamie could hardly believe what she was hearing. "You mean to tell me…" imagining the two men standing on the other side of her desk taking turns giving each other blowjobs was more than she could handle.

"You're blushing," Dillon said. "Are you feeling well?"

"I find that Jamie blushes more frequently than most women on the Galactica," Troy said. "I hope you're not feeling frightened or worried, Jamie."

"No," she answered, slowly, reminding herself for the hundredth time that as normal as they seemed, she had to explain things to them very carefully. "It's just, Troy, what I… _showed_ you… well, that's considered a very personal thing here on Earth." At their confusion, she added, "You only do it with someone you really, really like."

Troy smiled sweetly. "Then I'm glad to know that you consider me such a good friend."

Jamie sighed, knowing it was hopeless. "You're welcome," she muttered.

"Well, we didn't come here just to thank you," Troy said.

"No, we wanted you to tell us more about Earth sex," Dillon continued. "While Troy and I have discovered that this act you call, 'felatio,' is very pleasant, we'd like to learn about more ways that humans on Earth have intercourse."

"Oh, my gosh," Jamie buried her face in her hands, too embarrassed to even look at them. The thoughts that rolled through her mind of the two men struggling with each other, trying to figure out how to have sex… and beyond that, thinking about how attractive the both of them were, even if they _were_ aliens…

"Jamie?" Troy sounded sincerely concerned as he bent over her desk and placed a hand on her shoulder. Turning to Dillon, he said, "Perhaps you were right. Maybe she doesn't know."

"The women in the Earth transmissions who were most familiar with sexual acts did seem very different than Jamie," Dillon agreed. "Perhaps we should find someone else who can help us in," he entered something into his languitron translator, "a… brothel?"

"No! Don't do that!" Jamie said, desperately trying to pull herself together. Who knew what kind of trouble they'd get themselves into, going around asking people to teach them how to have sex. She slowly began to realize that if she didn't help them satisfy their curiosity, they'd probably go out and somehow manage to get themselves into worse trouble than they had yet, and she didn't even want to think about what that could entail. She knew that her embarrassment now would be nothing compared to the tragedy of what could happen if she left these guys to learn about sex on their own.

As they stared at her, waiting patiently, she cleared her throat and tried to keep a straight face. "Okay, look. I'll… I'll help you. I mean, you only want to know about, uh, other things you can do with each other, right?"

"We'd like for you to show us," Troy said.

"If you're not too busy," Dillon added, giving Troy a cautious look.

"Oh, yes, of course," Troy said. "Otherwise, just some basic instruction would be very useful."

"Ahh, okay," Jamie said, slowly, wishing that Dillon wasn't here and she really _could_ show Troy a thing or two. Perhaps just thinking about it would be good enough. "Go ahead and sit down, I guess."

As Dillon settled into the chair opposite her and Troy made himself comfortable on the edge of her desk, she tried to go over everything she knew and find a way to explain it to them. It wasn't that she didn't know; she'd taken a peek now and then at a few particular magazines that she wasn't exactly proud of, although it had all been for journalism purposes, of course. Little did she know back then exactly how handy that information would be.

"Troy," she said, softly, trying to ease into the conversation, perhaps for her own sake more than theirs. _They_ weren't the ones who were uncomfortable. "You remember the way I, uh, kissed you?"

"Yes," Troy said. Dillon eagerly entered the word into his languitron translator and nodded to himself at the definition.

"Well, that's one way you can begin, um, the sexual experience," she said.

"Is this an effective means to achieve an organism?" Dillon asked.

"Or_gasm_," Troy corrected.

"For most people, no," Jamie said. "But, it's a good way to start. It helps you get, you know, excited."

"Should we practice it right now?" Troy asked.

"No!" Jamie said, not sure if she could handle watching it. "Uh, no. No, let's just continue."

"I'll tell you what I've been wondering about," Dillon said. "After the orgasm is achieved via felatio, is it more acceptable to swallow the product or spit it out?"

"Uh," Jamie could feel herself blushing and sinking further into her chair. "It's really a matter of personal preference, I suppose."

"See?" Troy pointed at Dillon. "I _told_ you I wasn't being rude."

Jamie took a deep breath and tried to continue. Considering what she was going to tell them next, she had to stop and wonder whether it would even be able to work. After all, while they were human, at least on some level, she couldn't deny what she'd seen under that certain doctor's microscope. The Galacticans' blood had a different makeup than Earth humans, and there was no telling whether that was the only difference. While Troy had certainly looked and _functioned_ like the human men she'd known, she still couldn't be sure.

"Guys, can we please focus?" she said. "Look, I have to ask you first… exactly how similar is your, uh, anatomy, to Earth men?"

Troy and Dillon looked at each other and then back to her. "What do you mean?" Troy asked.

"From what we've seen in your entertainment transmissions, I'd say it's very similar," Dillon added.

"Okay," Jamie asked, turning her attention back to the papers on her desk. "Do you… have prostates?" She didn't have to look up to hear one of them checking the word on the languitrons.

"Oh! Of course!" Troy laughed.

"What is the significance of this gland in terms of sexual satisfaction?" Dillon asked.

"Well, you can… you can stimulate it. By touch," Jamie said, trying to face them to see what they thought of it.

"That seems like it might be a little uncomfortable," Dillon said. "There's really only one non-surgical way to get to it, right?"

"You have to be careful," Jamie said. "Uh, it helps to use some kind of lubrication."

"Wouldn't using chemicals for that be corrosive to the flesh and cause irritation?" Troy asked.

"No, um," Jamie found the conversation becoming easier. It helped to talk to someone who had absolutely no scruples about this sort of thing. "On Earth we have plenty of things that are safe to use… down there."

"Where would we be able to find this lubricant substance?" Troy asked. "Does it occur in nature somewhere that we can easily get to?"

"Oh, no, you can just buy it at a store," Jamie said. "For you guys, I'd suggest something like Vaseline."

And then went the languitron translators. "Oh, how interesting," Dillon commented. "You Earth folks certainly are industrious with your petroleum-based products."

"…thanks?" Jamie mumbled.

"This is very helpful to know," Troy said. "I never imagined people on Earth had so many different sexual practices."

"Oh, well, you know," Jamie laughed a little. "It's a very popular activity."

"I can see why," Dillon said. "I can't wait to try this prostate stimulation."

"Neither can I," Troy agreed. "Do you know of anything else we can try, Jamie?"

"Yeah," she said. "Uh…" having never really spoken about it before, she wasn't sure where to start.

The two Galacticans waited patiently for her to continue.

"Well, it's a little bit like, um. Well, when you've gotten comfortable with that part of your bodies, you can also penetrate…" she smiled nervously. "You know. Kinda like, uh…"

"I think I understand," Troy said. Dillon looked at him curiously. "Think about it."

"Oh!" Dillon grinned enlightenedly. "Oh. Oh… I understand now."

"Look, maybe you should try starting slow," Jamie tried to suggest, realizing that they had suddenly stopped paying full attention to her, and had met each other's eyes instead. "Guys. Hey."

"Yes, of course, Jamie," Troy said. "You can trust that we'll be careful."

"We have much to learn," Dillon said. "And we truly appreciate your assistance."

"Oh, well, you're welcome," she sighed as they began to stand up and make like they were ready to leave. She told herself not to look, but taking a peek at those tight pants they wore, she could see why they were so eager to go. "Let me know if there's anything else you need, guys."

"After we've had enough practice, would you care to join us?" Dillon asked.

"We'd love to have you," Troy added.

"Uh…" Jamie stuttered, not expecting the proposal. "Um, well, we'll think about it, okay?"

"Good, I look forward to it," Troy said, and smiled that sweet smile down at her.

"Hopefully we'll see you soon," Dillon added. "Thanks again for the help."

And with that, they turned and headed out before she could say anything else. Just as they made it through the door, she could've sworn she heard one of them start to say, "I'm so excited to show Dr. Zee everything we've learned. Adama will be so proud…"


End file.
